updated update

UPDATE: i haven't updated this blog in years, but since i've reopened it to the public, i just want to mention that i no longer hold most of the beliefs that i expressed in my blog so many years ago. i am no longer an orthodox jew, and i have gone back to the liberal views that i held before getting involved in orthodox judaism and moving back and forth from israel.
please do not use this blog as a justification to get involved in orthodoxy of any kind. this is just a document of a journey and a transformation that i went through.
instead, follow me at stopkiruvnow.blogspot.com .
thanks.
-bec

Impossible Ass Meets Impossible Head

Happy day!!!! Errant Parent posted my essay, "The Six Secrets of Unstressed Families" on their site! Totally excited because this now puts me in the category of "professional writers."

The past few months have been crazy. I had some work and am looking for another position. I finally submitted Unorthodox! to a theater I've been checking out. Getting their application done was really rough. There were these moments of "who am I kidding?" coupled with "of course I can do this!" but both came at inopportune times, as is often the case with most things, I suppose. I recently wrote a pretty decent review of the film "Trembling Before G-d" for a grad class I just finished and I'd really like to rework the paper for possible publication. Since the film came out several years ago, I can't say that what I have to say hasn't yet been said, but it's worth a try. And I'm hoping that the rest of my submissions are picked up. I'm so glad I  didn't quit my day job to be a writer. Then again, I don't currently have a day job, so that makes things even more interesting. 

Impossible Ass Meets Impossible Head

On a completely unrelated note, it has been brought to my attention that you can tell that a person is waaaaay past their skinny allowance when his/her head appears to have outgrown his/her body in pure bobble-head fashion. You know, when a person seems to look almost too delicate with a head that seems to defy all laws of physics in order to balance atop the neck. I mean, who out there doesn't want to shed a few pounds now and then? Maybe dieting would be easier for all of us if instead of losing weight, we concentrated on inflating our heads, thus making our bodies appear skinnier. This would definitely thwart the prevalence of the impossible ass, a subject I've blogged about on other blogs, as now there would exist the impossible head. I think that the impossible ass might actually help the impossible head to balance on the body that now seems almost toothpick in its existence.  (The image of a person riding on a Segway comes to mind here.) The impossible ass actually does have a degree of usefulness here as well: anyone losing balance because of the impossible head now has a cushioned landing. Nothing like a little extra to pad the fall.
Many people have asked me about the impossible ass. This is where things get complicated. What exactly is the impossible ass? The impossible ass is an ass that just seems like it shouldn't exist, either by virtue of size and or lift (and by lift, I am specifically referring to the defying of the moon's gravitational pull on all things Earth) and believability. Sometimes you have to see something to believe it, right? Well sometimes  even seeing isn't believing.
I hope that clears things up for now regarding impossibility in the ass and head world. There will be more on this at later points and I do plan to post a bit more often than before.

time for a quickie

sometimes there's nothing better than a quickie. late at night, early in the morning, mid-afternoon, whenever the desire hits.
on 4.20 (which makes perfect sense, given the heightenedness of the day) i began writing a piece that i finished within four hours. definitely a literary quickie. so i went to bed around 4am. i just submitted it. i was told by certain people whom i respect greatly that it was "poetic." (aww, thanks!) i just submitted it today and hopefully it will be accepted.
anyway, i have started an additional blog which will be used only for writing stuff (you know, for when i become a famous writer) so if you're interested in following me, you can here. it's more of a professional blog. you should be able to tell by my use of capitalization.
i'm still waiting for my other accepted story to be published, although i think there may have been some unforeseen disaster.
i'm now off to finish my play. i have 90 pages and i need ten more to qualify. the scene probably won't be done for perhaps another 15 pages, but i'll be done early. yay!!!!! there's nothing like writing about odox porn rings, rabbis with furniture fetishes and hitler look-alikes.
in retrospect, i'm still happy we had a solstice tree this year. thinking about it still gives me happy thoughts and warm feelings. also, if you haven't yet read god is not great by christopher hitchens, you really should. it totally destroys arguments for religion and about religion.
more soon, i have a play to finish.

april scripts bring may plays

april is turning out to be much busier than i expected. i'm trying to get to the gym four or five days a week, on the advice of the trainer (can you say "eye candy" boys and girls?) since the goal here is to look like a porn star. i'm also writing a play in three acts for frenzy, so by the thirtieth i need to have completed at least 100 pages. so far, so good. i've done 33.
the greatest thing about this particular genre (comedy of the absurd) is that my topic tends to be absurd before comedy even enters into it. but more on that another time.
interesting. today i was interviewed for a pretty jewy article. what a relief to know that all of that learning won't be wasted.
speaking of wasted, here. read this. you can learn all about how masturbating is akin to murder. give me a f*cking break. bwahahahahahaahaaha
the happy thing is that i've decided that all of those fun piercings i'd removed due to odoxy, i'll redo, and i've come up with the text and am working on the design for a tattoo i'd like to get after i survive all of this nonsense. now, off to sleep. i have a lot of zzzz's to get so i can get a jump on the creativity tomorrow.

passing over passover

i didn't clean for pesach this year. i didn't sell my chametz either. i just ate a bowl of cereal. i drove to a seder at my folks house, which started before the proscribed seder starting time. we did the beginning of the seder, ate, skipped the stuff at the end to get to the songs, did the songs while we finished dessert and i didn't eat more than a bite of matzah since it doesn't fit in with my diet these days.
a few years ago, to go so blatantly against "halacha" was a horrifying thought. terrified that the big bad deity might take his anger out on me, i did all that i was "supposed" to do.
last year, when we were still keeping shabbos and holidays in the orthodox manner, we blew a fuse. it was the beginning of shabbos. suddenly, there was no electricity and we had a fridge full of food, a coffee urn filled with water, and a hotplate that was going to cool. because we were orthodox at the time, our choices were limited: either sit there and let our food become inedible or ask a non-jewish neighbor to flip the switch on the fuse box. upon discussing how to handle this situation, i realized that there was NO WAY that i was going to my neighbors to ask them to flip a lousy switch in my basement. the thought of asking them to flip a switch struck me as being so ridiculous. what, was i too good to do it myself? and for what reason, because jews are chosen????? so i realized that if i truly had faith that there was a god, i wouldn't have hesitated to ask a non-jew to help me out. but then the other side, why ask someone to do for me what i can do for myself? and what is stopping me from flipping a switch? and if adam or i  were to flip the switch, what is god going to do about it?
while i sat around debating, adam went down to the basement, flipped the switch and we had power once again in the kitchen. we learned a very valuable lesson from this. god doesn't give a crap if you flip a switch or not. if the food were to rot because we didn't have electricity, god wouldn't care and if he did, he certainly wouldn't have done anything about it. if there was a huge war, and millions of innocent people, both jews and non-jews, were slaughtered, god wouldn't do anything. if there was an earthquake or a tsunami, god would just sit there as the king of passivity, while some of his followers patted themselves on the back for their piety, claiming that these things happen because of immoral and amoral behavior. terrorist attacks happen and children are killed and innocent people are blown to bloody bits all around the world. women are raped--even in jerusalem in view of the old city--and god just sits on his holy ass, watching the show.
this doesn't make me agnostic, since i don't believe in invisible deities these days. it's a lot better to believe that there is no god than that there is a god who sits around and allows bad things to happen. i sure as hell don't believe that if we're really good, that god will send some clown in on his ass to lead us to israel. i'm willing to bet that a lot of people find this to be absurd but are unwilling to say it, because they are afraid of the social ramifications of putting voice to these thoughts. this is a very compelling argument for the need for the jewish community to be a community.  ten men to make a minyan pretty much ensures that nobody is going to go all anti-god and anti-torah. there's too much peer pressure involved. it's an incredible system to get trapped in and it would certainly make for a great sociology paper.
and with that, i'm going to make some chicken soup with some nice gebrokts matzah balls  after i finish this vegan samosa burrito that is certified not kosher for passover.
for those of you celebrating, i wish you a beautiful holiday and for those of you opting out, i wish you a beautiful week.

beware of followers of god!

someone i know posted a link to the most disgusting "kiruv support" website. i'm not sure how new it is, but i am sure that i hope it gets spammed, taken down, deleted, boycotted, trolled, etc. i have to say that while not much has been posted there yet, the few things that i found were disgusting. i'm going to post some of what i found and comment, so bear with me.
first, if you have no idea what kiruv is, it literally means "bringing close." the terms kiruv and mekaruv are used generally to refer to the orthodox notion of bringing non-orthodox jews "closer" to judaism, or god, or insanity, or what have you. some find it charming, others find it threatening. i used to think that this kiruv business was a good idea, but at this point, i think it's good for those who are into it on both ends, but not good when it is an odox organization or representative or follower, befriending someone with the idea of making them religious or "more aware" of their judaism. after i found this site, i have to say that i was absolutely disgusted and, like other families i know, plan to do my utmost to educate my children against these "do-gooders" who, in reality, actually act just like the christian missionaries that so many jewish organizations seek to stop. (all of these quotes can be found at the original link above.)
Exhibit 1
"what is the best way to be mekarev a 12 year old who goes to public school and Hebrew school twice a week for two hours? i speak to him every Friday but our conversations are just general schmoozing."
 okay,  first of all, why does this person think that he/she even has a right to discuss religion with this child? this kid is in PUBLIC SCHOOL. trying to make him religious or closer to god is not this person's place. it is inappropriate, to say the least. it goes against the nature of public school AND it is none of this person's business. if a christian missionary were to attempt this, there would be serious repercussions. you want to be a missionary? go stand on a street corner. for some reason, this question just makes me think that this person is  a religious pervert. not necessarily in a sexual sense, but in a religious sense.  leave the kid alone. if this was my kid, you would be in the news.
Exhibit 2
"If only these people had more meaning in their yiddishkeit upbringing things would have turned out very different. But, it's never too late. These people can be inspired, turned around and enticed to come back home. Just as we have an obligation to bring our not yet frum brothers and sisters back to our father in heaven, we have the same obligation to keep those in the fold - in the fold, and unfortunately for those that have left us, we must show them what it really is that they left behind and inspire them to rejoin."
 obviously, this poster is talking about people who have gone off the derech (path) of orthodox judaism. it's evident from their narrow worldview that they think that there might be a reason why some otd'ers would want to come back to orthodoxy. personally, i don't get it. and please, get it out of your head that you have an obligation to bring your non-religious coreligionists back to orthodoxy. i can only hope that these folks see the light and start living in the modern world where people who want to be religious are religious and those who have no desire to be religious are not religious. there is nothing that will make people run from, shun, and talk badly about orthodox judaism than people who are all "holier than thou" trying to shove it down the throats of the rest of the free world. (as an aside, why the hell were my kids taught last year in yeshiva that if a man is not wearing a yarmulke, he's not jewish? one of my many reasons for leaving this insanity.)
Exhibit 3:
(this is a whole conversation.)
sibgreenspan: "I work in a public school. Two of my coworkers are non-Jewish women married to Jews. One of these couples have no children, while the other has two little girls. Is there anything to be done through them as far as kiruv is concerned, since I have no contact with their husbands? I could be mistaken, but I would assume that they would not want their husbands to learn more about Judaism, as it would possibly turn their lives upside down.
"One more question -  a third grader once stopped me in the hallway and asked if I am Jewish. She then proudly told me that she is also Jewish and she told me her Jewish name. During the last two months, I saw this girl only three times in passing in the hallway. Whenever I do see her though, she excitedly waves hello. I was wondering if anyone has any ideas to help me navigate this situation - firstly, I almost never see the girl, and when I do it's only in passing - I have to continue with my work, and she has to go back to class. Secondly, she is only in third grade and in public school - how much would she be able to progress on her own without much support. Thirdly, as a professional, I have to be careful how I go about this. If anyone, especially her parents, get wind of me trying to be mekarev her, it would be viewed as completely unprofessional and unethical, especially since it's in a public school.
Thanks for any ideas!"

ferng: "2 very different scenarios and unfortunately the first one becoming all to common place...This past year I gave a Rosh Hashana gift to a (non-Jewish) woman to give to her husband and wish him Good Yom from me (even though we had never met).  She was touched by the thought and thanked me.  I am hoping to one day meet the husband.  The woman told me she was thinking about converting someday, but didn't discuss that with her anymore.  It was enough, though, to let me know that she would be receptive to giving her husband something Jewish.
"As far as the girl in public school, it depends.  If you are a woman, then I think there are a lot less issues.  In anycase, you should certainly help this precious neshamah come alive!  I lot depends on age, etc, but just talk to her and ask her how she know her Jewish name.  Complement her and ask her if she has any Jewish friends.  You can certainly bring her an Art Scroll children's book at her level to borrow and ask her afterwards if she liked it.  Feel free to be in touch.  There is sooo much you can do that is professionally just fine..... :- Gershon (ferngl@optonline.net)"

sibgreenspan: "Thank you for the response to the question I posted. Unfortunately, since that time she told me about being Jewish, I never was able to talk to her aside from hello, so the opportunity to discuss Jewish-related topics doesn't come up. I don't work with this student at all  - I just see her in passing every so often (maybe once in two weeks). I was thinking of giving her one of the Chanuka pekelach that Project Inspire is selling. After thinking about it, I don't know how it would go over - I am a therapist, and she is not on my caseload. Then I choose her out of the whole school to give a Chanuka gift to with a religious message attached to it - I don't know how her parents would react. If she were on my caseload, I think it would be easier to explain, and it would be easier to engage her in conversation in general. Any thoughts?"

miriam: "I have a different, but similar dilemma. I, too, work in a public school. One of my co-workers is openly Jewish, but seems to be completely unaffiliated. She does talk to me on occasion about her Jewishness, i.e. she'll tell me she bought candles for the menorah at a good price, etc. Work is really not the setting to have a deep conversation, nor is the relationship of that sort. Anybody have any ideas to help me expose her to frumkeit without being pushy, intrusive, or personal? Thanks."

jrubin: "sibgreenspan I think the best idea would be to sent a Chanukah gift to the parents directly, and just send along your contact information, make sure to also add something for the child, that way it would be very easy to explain, simply tell them that their daughter met you in the hallway and told you she is Jewish, so you thought a nice Chanukah gift would be appropriate, I don't see how this can go wrong. From there you can develop a relationship with the parents themselves if they are ready for it.
"Miriam I think you have an amazing opportunity at hand, so don't just let it pass, invite that woman to your home for a Chanukah party, an occasion which is very inviting and non-threatening, or take her out for coffee on one of the Chanukah days to have a friendly discussion about the holiday."

does the word "presumptuous" come to mind? this all reminds me a bit of this. definitely watch the video. it reminds me of something....
months ago i came across a site which discussed different talking points to use to appeal to different groups. wiccans, atheists, agnostics, unaffiliated, jews, hindus. . .  they were all in there. this was another missionary site devoted specifically to evangelizing for teens to teens. (when i find it again, i'll definitely post the link.) the truth is, i don't want anybody evangelizing or kiruving my kids. i am just as annoyed by christian missionaries as i am by jewish missionaries and the truth is, i don't trust any of them. anybody who believes that their way is the only way doesn't deserve the time of day. so while i teach my kids to be wary of strangers, i'm also teaching them to be wary of ANYONE spouting religious stuff. a friend of mine who was raised chasidish but is now an atheist, is raising her children to be wary of chabad, aish hatorah, and many other kiruv organizations.  i can't say that i blame her.

the four questions

i think passover is on monday night this year although, for the life of me, i cannot understand why i keep thinking that it's sunday night. but for the record, i have never been as calm before this holiday as i am this year. i'd say that certainly says a lot. 

the four questions, as asked by bec.
how is this year different from all other years?
in the past, i was going out of my mind ocd, cleaning to get all traces of chametz out of my house, my car, my closets....  but why on this year, am i not obsessive compulsive about getting any of it done?
in all other years, i was planning menus  and shopping for passover food, including sugar-coated potato starch "o's" that cost eight dollars for seven ounces and were in every way nutritionally deficient and tasted like crap, but why on this year, have i not thought about that until today?
in all other years, i was cursing having to give up soy milk and other products that are a general necessity in my house and relegating myself and my family to a week of dairy discomfort and being forced to use inferior products because they were labeled for passover, but why, on this year, is that not an issue?
in all other years, i spent the week before passover blowing hundreds of dollars to adequately get ready for the holiday, including purchasing special kosher for passover dog food (of which i would inevitably run out and then have to resort to using gefilte fish and matzah, thus messing up my dog's digestive system for a week), but why on this week before passover did i purchase several new boxes of cereal, flour and snacks and not spend hundreds of dollars?

*
anyway, i'm waiting for my latest piece to be published on a literary site, so when it is, i'll get the link up. april will be busy as i'm writing a hundred page play in three acts that must be completed by the thirtieth. i've already plotted it out and come up with an incredible twist. it's good, it's ironic and it's (horrors!) offensive. i'm back in business.