i am soooo outta here...tomorrow night....!

ants take over, bec is being flooded out

i don't look for signs anymore. i've stopped trying to find hidden messages in the things that happen. when i start to wonder why something is happening, i try to stop myself. i'm convinced that there are plenty of things that go on and i will probably never know why any of them happen the way they do.

for months now, we've been doing battle with the ants. it got better, it got worse. now it's almost unbearable. this morning i woke up to adam going crazy clearing the kitchen table because it was covered in ants. ironically, we haven't eaten on that table in months. we had been keeping clean dishes there, paper goods and oh, yes, a few cloves of garlic. then as i was getting dressed, i noticed ants spilling under the fan on top of my dresser. there is no food there. we cleared the whole dresser and killed the ants. random ants are back in our bathroom. my biggest concern now is that they'll get into the boxes we've packed. we're leaving on monday night, our stuff is shipping on sunday and we'll be sleeping at the house of the machmir police. how that came to be, i still don't understand, but i am allowing her to do a mitzvah by accepting her invitation (believe me, i wanted to get a hotel in tel aviv....) so i'm just going to be gracious and grateful that i don't have to sleep on my ant infested floor.

we've had quite a bit of heat here these past few weeks. luckily, we have an air conditioner. of course, you can barely feel it when it's on, but even the little it works is necessary for survival. the trick is to keep the windows open, keep the a/c on a timer (we have it go on every 15 minutes) and try not to kill each other because of the heat. no easy feat, i'll tell you. the air works best if you stick your face right into the vent and pretend really hard that you're cooling off. definitely a workout for the imagination. but, as with everything else that we've experienced as of late, this air conditioner has a mind of its own. it has taken to flooding our apartment. so, we've placed no less than four pans beneath it to catch the water. still, it floods over. so we take our lovely squeegee thingy and push the water right out of the apartment door and down the steps. yes, we've finally reached the level of white trash to which we were striving. seriously though, it's the only way. otherwise, we have to push the water through the house in search of a ridiculous hole in the floor at the end of the kitchen for it to hopefully go into. this way, it is only about five feet before it's out the door and gone forever. we have to do this at least ten times a day, if not more.

i'm not looking for meaning in these ridiculous events. i don't think i have to. i have some ideas but i'm keeping quiet. now i just want to keep the ants out of my bed.

what i think about sometimes when i think about things

two days ago i had an appointment with a specialist in a building at the same intersection in j-town which eighteen hours later hosted the bulldozer terror attack. fortunately my appointment went well and it turns out there is nothing wrong. i was given the okay to fly, and just in case you were wondering, this doctor has to be the nicest person i've met in the year that i've been here. i even told him so. he answered all of my questions, referred to me as "mrs. bec" and actually treated me as if i was an actual person. (i think i am, by the way, it's just been a while since i've been treated in that manner.)

currently, i'm having a bit of a debate with "w" who disliked my reference to "the secular state of israel" in an email i sent her.

but it is the secular state of israel. let me explain.

the land of israel is holy land. but the state is not a holy state. the state was given by one group of people to another. the state was not given by g*d to the jews, if so, then we would have to assume that g*d also gave us the holy leaders olmert, katsav and the usual gang of criminals. i have no faith in the state. i have faith in hashem, but not the state of israel. i believe that if we follow the laws given in the torah, then we will merit the land, but until then, hashem himself has not given us the land. sure, there are miracles and all which make it possible for us to be here, but i'm not so sure that we can or should act as if us being here will bring moshiach (the messiah) that much faster, especially when we consider these factors:

1. much of the israeli population does not follow the laws from any branch of judaism (not just odox, but reform, conservative, etc.)

2. it is very rare to find many jews exhibiting ahavas yisroel (love of fellow jews) and instead, many conversations revolve around how this group doesn't like that group and so forth and so on. instead, the very same sinas chinam (baseless hatred) that destroyed the bais hamikdash (the temple) exists today, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. (please don't assume that i am not guilty of this as well. i usually hate everybody.)

3. living on the land of israel is a wonderful thing, but only if it also can bring an increase in one's personal observance or spirituality or even jewish pride. i do not believe that every jew needs to practice orthodox judaism to live on the land of israel, however, i also do not see the necessity in every jew living here yet either. our rabbi and rebbetzin, who are not only our spiritual mentors, but are also our good friends, are up in the our old ny community, spreading intense amounts of ahavas yisroel (love of fellow jews) and helping folks to do more judaically {i would just use the word kiruv here, but i fear that it might come off like by doing kiruv, they are coercing jews to become orthodox and implying that jews who are not totally observant are further from g*d, which is not true (as even the rebbe had argued regarding the use of the term kiruv.) the term itself actually refers to outreach within the jewish community.} i know that in my own realm, i am able to do more for jews outside of israel, whether it's by inviting less or not-at-all observant friends and family for a shabbos meal, an experience in my sukkah, or even just by answering a question. moments like those are what will ultimately help turn the secular state of israel into what israel is supposed to be and since not all jews live in israel, there is definitely a need for jewish outreach and communities in the diaspora.

4. as jews, we are supposed to be "a light unto nations." when the jewish leaders of israel publically violate jewish law and the people of israel get annoyed when jewish laws are imposed, it shows the other nations of the world that we don't deserve to have the land of israel. how can we merit being on the land, on the holy land of israel, if we, ourselves, do not take seriously the words of the torah-the very same torah whose words justify the jewish peoples' right to the land? how can we as a people expect the respect of other nations, when we hardly respect each other and ourselves? not only should we be arming ourselves with weapons for our defense, but possibly more important is that we arm ourselves with torah and self respect as well as respect for others, including our enemies. only then will we be taken seriously. i just want to add here that when i was a kid, all of my christian friends would go to church on sundays. i never went to shul on saturdays, and despite going to hebrew school, i had no idea that they even had services on saturdays, or friday nights, or every day, or any other day other than rosh hashana and yom kippur. however, when i had to do something shul-related, i always found that i felt ashamed, while my non-jewish friends always seemed proud of attending church. hmmmm...interesting little look into my upbringing.

it's not that i don't think that jews should not be in israel. i am thrilled that israel exists, especially when there are still jews who need refuge from oppressive regimes. however, i do not and cannot accept the holiness of anything other than the actual land. i feel that the state itself is a sham.

in conclusion, i just want to mention that green grapes dipped into red caviar salad make for a delectable treat when you crave something sweet, salty and fishy all in the same bite.

doctor brilliant, boten doktor

it's a wonder that dr. b made it through the day because i almost lunged for his throat during my appointment with the misogynistic and clerical ob/gyn. i sat across from him while he typed, stapled, looked at his computer, read the report from the emergency room and then asked me "but you didn't bleed, did you?"

"um, that's why i went to the emergency room." i replied without removing his eyes with my fingers. that resulted in more typing, some stapling and some other random and unimportant things that in no way signal a visit to the ob/gyn. in fact, i'd say he was rather unconcerned about me, the nameless number sitting in front of him. all i am to him is a swipe of the kupat card. i later found out from a friend of mine who has been here for years that if you need an internal exam, that you must request it, otherwise it is not given. i guess i should have also requested that he check the heartbeat to see if the fetus is still alive. funny, where i come from, when you go to the doctor, they actually check you. here, they write a report.

then, doctor b, whom i shall further refer to as "doctor brilliant" asked me if i'd been to tipat halav to get whatever mother/baby wellness checks i'm supposed to get once a month. i had no idea what he was talking about. he claimed he told me about this last time i was there. i beg to differ. last time i was there, he gave me a hard time because i didn't know the birth weights of my kids--in kilograms. first of all, they weren't born in kilos. secondly, herr doktor brilliant, you are sitting in front of a computer, which, might i remind you, has the ability to convert pounds to kilos faster and more accurately than can i. and since you're not performing an internal exam, i'd be willing to bet that your hands are free to type in the numbers to find the answer. and no, i didn't go to med school and yet i can still figure out how to get these numbers.

so, no, i didn't go to tipat halav, nor do i intend to at this point. once a month? hmmm....this is also the doctor who neglected to tell me about the optional testing i could have had done (for an extra fee) to test for down's and stuff. i opted not to do these tests after hearing about them (almost too late) from a third party. you'd think doctor brilliant would have mentioned this, right? nah, that's not as important as the birth weights.

so when i mention that i'm flying in two weeks to ny (because if i stay here i may end up going absolutely postal) he's like "well, we'll see how the sonogram is. and you need another in august. then you should come to see me. make an appointment for august."

doctor brilliant? i'll make an appointment for august but don't expect to see me. because i will be in the care of my midwives and doctors in new york, where i am more than some card to be swiped and a nameless number on the other side of your desk. and if i see you in august, it will be because i have come to haunt you in your clerical gynecological and obstetrical nightmares. yes, it will be me gripping your thick and stupid skull with the forceps, don't you worry. and i'm sorry about the head molding there, it's probably what's been keeping the oxygen from getting into the part of your brain that reminds you that your patients are humans.

doctor brilliant, kiss my paperwork, you automaton.

well, here's an interesting turn of events....

not one to sit around doing nothing before the beginning of shabbos, this week i ended up taking a trip to hadassah hospital at mount scopus. no, it was not to see the chagall windows. they are o the other side of jerusalem. i saw them the other week at hadassah at ein kerem when we had to bring young m for some tests (which, thank god, went well.) this week i was fortunate to find myself sitting in the emergency room wondering if i was going to lose this pregnancy.

when they finally sent me up to obstetrics for a sonogram (nice, they allowed me to walk by myself, despite the blood loss factor) i thought i was going to hyperventilate. ten minutes later i was being told that i had a threatened abortion, but 85% of pregnancies go on to be normal and 15% actually do abort. i am okay with it either way. it's not up to me.

so they put me on bed rest. so far, the fetus is alive and healthy (from what they told me) and as i see it (and as it was explained) if it aborts it's because the body decides it's not a healthy thing, and it's not because of anything i did or am doing.

however, the big thing here is whether i'll be able to fly. soooo, bed rest it is. thank god, today it was like nothing was ever amiss. but i still get to be bored out of my mind, planning to leave here soon and not being able to do a darned thing.

ironically, going for a run would make me feel better and it would also make me feel worse. oh well, things could always be worse. i could be a horse and from what i understand, horses spend most of their lives standing up.

shepping nachas....

i'm proud to announce the birth of a beautiful baby girl to my friend shosh!!!!!!

since i haven't cleared anything with her (she's just a bit busy these days), i'm not going to print any details, but i have seen pictures and this has to be one of the most beautiful babies i've ever seen (and i'm not much of a baby person, so you know i mean it.)

anyway, warm welcomes to the world!

may shosh and her wonderful husband, son and their families have much nachas as their daughter grows to torah, chupah and ma'asim tovim!!!!!

yippeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes things just sorta happen....

so, having unknowingly hopped on the pregnancy bus and having missed most of the first trimester while wondering why i could no longer do my regular run despite the growing heat, i now find myself wanting to vomit at the toss of a hat and at the thought of ingesting chumus. (which, i might add, is quite unfortunate since i have spent most of my almost-year living in israel eating chumus for at least one part of one meal per day. ugh.)
so to add to my nausea is the knowledge that at some point i should probably inform my parents that they should expect another grandchild sometime in december, right smack between my birthday and adam's birthday. while i probably should tell them sometime before the kid is born, i'm finding it easier not to mention it during our sometimes weekly phone calls, and certainly never during a rare email. i mean, how do you tell people who seem to think that having more than two kids is bizarre and eccentric and possibly best left to religious fanatics? so i'm debating whether to let them know right before they go off to peru on vacation (just to give them something to talk about for a few weeks without me having to deal with them) or if i should just wait until they see me sometime at the end of july (and maybe i'll even show up wearing a shaitel (wig)...i'm sure that will go over well.)
so last night, after wanting to puke over the shabbos dinner i lovingly made, i found myself being able to eat only an orange and then barely a chicken wing. i dozed off on the couch and dreamed that i was studying a map and found two mud-filled ditches that were at dangerous curves in the road. i started driving, missed the first ditch and must have been feeling cocky because sure enough, i drove my car right into the second ditch and found myself doing my best to stay afloat in the muddy nastiness. i saw a grassy hill reaching itself out of the mud and i made my way over, climbed to the top and found myself on flat land. one step and i was on a bimah (the elevated platform in a synagogue from where the torah is read) and i walked from there to other dry land and then out of a door to the rest of the world.
i woke up, dragged myself off the couch (i'd only been there for fifteen minutes) and went to bed.
sometimes i seriously wonder how i got to this point in my life. it is so different from the life i'd imagined for myself when i was younger. i guess, just as back in the days of random pot smoking and lsd usuage, things just keep happening and somehow i cannot really control them. i guess i'll just hang around and enjoy the show......