on teshuvah and kaparos

i guess i don't really have to think about this until the month of elul (or if not, definitely tishrei) which isn't for another almost two weeks, but for some reason i've been thinking a lot about kaparos (you can also read "the paper chicken," extremely awesome.)

the only time i did kaparos with chickens (we usually use money) was possibly in 1998 with a couple we knew from college. we were just first living in midwood or were getting ready to move to midwood, and we went to avenue J a few days before yom kippur and we donated the money for the chickens and then the next thing i knew, i was swinging a live hen around my head.

it seems like a bizarre custom, the practice of symbolically transferring one's sins over to a chicken, and then donating the chicken to the poor, and maybe it is (or at least, that seems to be the general feeling among many i know) but for me, that one episode of my life stands out, and not just because of the farm animals involved. at that point, adam and i were completely orthodox. we had just come back from israel, and were on such an intense spiritual high that this almost mystical experience on a hazy, cool and dark night only heightened that feeling. in retrospect, if every experience from that point on could have been as glittery and mystical and amazing, there's a good possibility that we never would have gone off the derech (path) when we did. but of course, if life was that intense, we'd never have time for little else and i cannot imagine being able to handle life at that intensity for long.

but the sad thing is that about a year and a half later, we lost that fervor, and instead of joining the community, we pulled away and sought spirituality elsewhere, namely at phish shows. i think that after the intensity of israel, and our first holidays back, and other firsts like the observance of mitzvot that we were unaccustomed to, the intensity settled into routine, and the initial excitement waned and turned into boredom. the challenge of getting everything ready before shabbos turned into disaster after disaster of near failure to get it together, and the inevitable exhaustion we felt from all of the work we were putting in was met with little or no immediate reward. as a result, we slowly retreated back to the ways in which we grew up, and gradually replaced our initial feelings of awe with slight resentment, and yes, the feeling of deep failure.

for me, having failed at orthodox judaism was devastating. in college i had been on that ba'al teshuvah path and found that it was nearly impossible to achieve while living with my parents. sure, i did the best i could but it still wasn't enough. so, i'd given it up with the understanding that i'd be more successful once out of their home. and then i'd failed again, in my own home, in the middle of an orthodox neighborhood, where almost every one of my neighbors was keeping everything. i remember every time i had to get into my car on shabbos or on a yom tov (holiday). i cannot even begin to tell you how totally mortified i would have been had anyone seen me. of course, i was doing this with the knowledge that g*d was watching, but for some reason, it would have been that much worse if someone i knew saw me breaking shabbos. of course, right there that indicates that i did feel guilt and remorse, but not enough to go back to orthodoxy or any committed practice of judaism.

several years passed and with each passing year, adam and i constantly discussed every aspect of judaism, settling on the agreement that yes, orthodoxy was the way to go, and boy, wouldn't it be great if we could have achieved that? it wasn't until e was born that we went back to consistently lighting shabbos candles and making kiddush on friday nights. it wasn't until a was born and we'd moved up to The Thrills where it is extremely difficult to lead a 100% orthodox lifestyle unless one is living in a 100% orthodox area. however, that hasn't stopped us from craving it, and from doing everything in our power (in a gradual ascension towards fully practicing) to achieving our goal.

so this year, in between rosh hashanah (the jewish new year) and yom kippur (the day of atonement) when it comes time to once again do kaparos, i have decided to do it with live chickens. not only am i looking to attain that sense of mysticism again, but i feel the need to transfer my sins--from this year and years past--in a way that can only be done by physically proving to myself that i am finally at the point of realizing my goal of coming full circle.