the post in which bec finally gets it

i can't believe it's all really happening.

a week from today, we will attend our first official nefesh b'nefesh meeting for our aliyah. aside from the regular filing of paperwork with the jewish agency, this will be our first actual step in what many will perceive as our attempt at hurting them. maybe that sounds harsh, but based on the reactions of (some) family and (some) friends to each step closer to getting everything official, i'd say this is all pretty accurate on my part.

for example, conversations and emails exchanged with family members and friends have become snappish and accusatory, many of them with questions like, "why are you doing this to us?" "why are you trying to break up the family?" and then the obligatory one-liners offered when nothing else has worked: "you'll regret this!" and "have fun in israel!" wroth with sarcasm.
so after a few weeks of bad conversations and email exchanges, i've finally figured it out.
the folks who have claimed victimhood over our aliyah (and keep in mind that many of these people have previously never had anything bad to say about me or to me prior to us making our aliyah plans) are a bit misguided. they are not angry at us for making aliyah. they are not angry at us for anything. the horrible things that they have said really have very little to do with us, but rather have everything to do with them.

my only mistake over the past few months has been that i've been taking all of these things personally. of course some people feel like we're deserting them--we're not only having another baby but we're also moving out of the country! but what's upsetting isn't that we're leaving, what's upsetting is that we're moving on with our lives and many feel left out. either they're not moving ahead with their own lives, or they feel like our plans don't include them. the truth is, the upheaval that's being caused is greater than anyone realizes. within our family, people are suddenly saying things like, "well, if adam and bec are moving to israel, and [my brother] is most likely not going to settle in new york due to his ongoing work in mexico, well, then we don't have to stay in new york." another family member admitted to me that she is now considering a move to either florida or massachusetts, but unsure if she should do it now, or wait a few years. suddenly, we are the ones causing change, and some people, especially in the older generation, cannot and will not make certain changes in this case and it upsets them that suddenly, the family is moving, or contemplating moving, all around.

for others, our upcoming aliyah signifies major change. some have known us long before we were married and have seen us through many life changes, while possibly their own lives have remained somewhat stagnant. suddenly, what we're doing becomes a major wake-up call. we are doing things that remind them that time is moving on, and who wants to be reminded of that? rather than face their own situations, it's easier to blame us--we've changed, we're not the same people, we're abandoning them, look what we're doing to hurt them. it's that reminder that hurts, not what we're actually doing. these things only surface when our aliyah plans move forward.

when adam and i were planning our wedding and writing our guest list, my dad said to consider which friends we'd be inviting. he said that many of our friends at our wedding would probably not be our friends in five years. he was right. most of the friends we lost were single, not involved in any relationships, and slowly faded out when they realized that we could not maintain the same intensity of friendship to which we'd been previously accustomed. what we've found to be true is that folks who are single and not involved, generally have little idea what has to go into a marriage, especially with regard to time commitments. when you have kids, suddenly, they don't necessarily understand that you cannot go out at the drop of a hat, or that talking on the phone past a certain time becomes next to impossible. and then, when pregnant with the third and planning a major overseas move, have absolutely no idea of the exhaustion, exertion, and extreme lack of time and mass amount of preparation that must go into every aspect of the planning process. hey, i'm going through this and have no idea!

at my wedding, my grandma took me aside and gave me the following advice:

"remember that your relationship with your husband comes first, before everything, even the children, because when the kids move out, you need to have a strong bond with your husband, otherwise you have nothing."

she said some other things too, but it took a few years before i realized how brilliant this advice was. when he comes home, it is his time, and your time with him. you cannot take that time up with other people, at least not on a regular basis. maybe i sound like an anti-feminist, which is fine by me, since i am, but i really believe that. i also believe that while there are some people out there who are not married who understand this concept, there are many out there who don't, and these are the people who, when you have major life changes, have trouble coping.
within my own family, i have had this experience with folks who don't have kids who get offended when we cannot just get a babysitter in order to maintain familial relationships.

i'm currently working on a new piece of writing, which is coming along much faster than i expected, but in it i bring up something that i really want to share.
when some folks in my family became orthodox, there was major backlash from many people. the same words that are being hurled at us now regarding our aliyah, were hurled at them, or worse, spoken behind their backs (and still surface from time to time). the very same "they're breaking up the family!" is what we're getting, except that folks were annoyed that they were keeping kosher and shabbos (and how it inconvenienced everyone else) and now they're annoyed that we're moving to israel. it's not just about them missing us (because i do know that is a big part of it,) it's about something bigger that people have trouble with: change. we all get so used to the way things are, good or bad, that when suddenly circumstances change, we lash out, not knowing how to handle it. some handle it more gracefully than others, and some just bow out altogether, thinking that it's easier to divorce themselves from the situation rather than deal with it maturely. others go through life with the opportunity to make their own positive changes and rarely do, because the thought of changing from what is comfortable and known to something that is unknown and possibly not comfortable, is a very scary thing. that doesn't mean that i'm comfortable with change. it just means that i'm willing to take the plunge and do it, regardless of whether it's in my comfort zone.

sometimes people just have to do what they feel is best for themselves and their families, regardless of the impact it will have on others. the truth is that family and friends who are offended will eventually come around--or they won't. if they don't, well, then it wasn't worth it. and if they do, well, hopefully they will have made positive changes in their own lives.

i just want to thank everyone who has been supportive of our aliyah plans and who has given us helpful advice along the way. i know we still have a while to go, but things are moving now, and i'm really grateful to you all. i could list you all, but you know who you are, and i don't want to offend anyone left out.

thanks. you all rock.