mistake?!!?

there was this one night, during the summer of 1995 in east berlin, when i skipped off with some friends who were going to a biergarten for drinks. at some point before we got there, i detoured without a word to them, found myself at a carnival with all sorts of rides. that summer was a hard one for me, and being by myself was a big relief. i purchased tickets for this ride that went around and around on a track--just in a bumpy circle, and rode on it several times. if i remember correctly, i also went on those colourful swings that hang from a post and swing in a huge circle when the post is raised. i didn't think about anything. safety wasn't an issue for me, not knowing where my friends were wasn't a problem. i had that great feeling of college-age invincibility, that same feeling that enabled me to travel alone through eastern europe and israel, and wherever else i freely roamed during those years.
now, at this point, with two kids below age five and another one due in january (also below age five :) that feeling that i can do anything without consequence is not quite as strong as it had once been. i think that comes with marriage and children. i'm not really about to go bungee jumping these days, although, at this point, that's almost what our impending move to israel feels like. i know that in the past i've talked about taking that leap and just doing it and all, and have probably made the comparison to leaving mitzrayim (egypt) and how it was a risk. i can say with certainty that the israelites leaving mitzrayim weren't all sure that they were doing the right thing, and in shemos we learn that many times they lost faith and had to be reminded that g*d would take care of them. sometimes i also get that feeling, like i'm sure i want to move to israel and make aliyah, but on occasion my brain pulls that "what if" stuff with my head, and i get cold feet. and then, this happens:

random family member: i still don't think i understand why you're doing this [moving to israel]. we're pro-israel, but we're not zionists.
bec: you have to go to israel and then you might have a better understanding. we want to be jews in our country where we can be a majority on our own land.
random family member: you can live in brooklyn and be a majority. brooklyn is the heart of the jewish world. but this is your mistake to make.
bec: you always say that about everything i do.
random family member: no one understands why you would do this. i could see you moving to israel if you lived in a country where jews are oppressed, or if there was a depression or a famine or antisemitism, but to just pick up and go when you're not going to live as good a life as you will live here, it just doesn't make sense why you'd go now.
bec: when should i go? should i have gone right out of college? should i have gone when i was newly married and trying to figure out my future? should i wait until when my kids are teenagers and it'll be harder for them to adjust? or should i wait for our kids to be out of the house, and retire in israel? for us, this is a good time.
random family member: like i said, this is your mistake to make.

~fini~

and when this happens, it just puts knots in my stomach and drives me crazy.
i could sit here and whine about how this isn't a mistake, but i'm not going to. i really believe that everything happens for a reason, and that we have the experiences we do for a reason and somehow they affect us more than we realize. there's this story about this man in russia who, after a series of some fortunate and some unfortunate events, finds a horse. he remarks to the rabbi about how lucky he is. his son gets on the horse and the horse throws him. he breaks his legs. the man again goes to the rabbi and remarks about how unlucky this is. during this time, his son is in bed with two broken legs and soldiers from the czar's army come to round up all of the teenage boys of the village so they can do their army service. because the boy cannot walk, they don't take him. from this story we learn that although we may not understand why things happen the way they do, behind every event there is a reason, even if we don't know what it is. i really believe that. everything i've experienced has brought me to where i am now, and whether or not these are mistakes, i may never know. maybe i had to fall out of odoxy in order to strive harder to come back. maybe i had to move out of brooklyn to the middle of nowhere to realize that all of our talk of aliyah could be a reality.
there are still many events in my life that i don't understand, and some that i don't think i want to. there are some that weren't ideal but i wouldn't change them. i also don't have that same feeling of invincibility that i did and so i certainly don't want to relive them. but none of these things were mistakes. they are just a series of steps, some steeper than others.